Thank you, Mom for teaching me to love freely, utterly, and unconditionally.

Thank you, Lou and Kerry for making me a mother, it’s the greatest joy I’ve ever known.

You, grab a tissue for this:

The three images that will be greeting residents into our apartment lobby. Even though it’s only a silly apartment lobby, it still feels good to have my prints on display.

Today I’m 38.5 weeks and filled with so many mixed emotions. I couldn’t be more ready to meet our new baby yet I’m clinging to every moment I have alone with my first baby. We keep playing and singing our song over and over and I’m just a pile of tears. I feel so blessed, so grateful for all of the love I get to have in my life.

Love you Lou. You changed everything.

This song came out right when I found out I was expecting Lou. I know it’s written to a girl from a boy but it just fit too perfectly for me and Lou as I waited to meet her.

Oh my. Her stare and smile in that first photo but her underwater rolls in the second!!!! How did I get such an amazing girl to hangout with for the next decade? It baffles me how lucky I am.

Help me decide which print should go in her bathroom? The smiley stare or the rolls?

Miss seeing my photos and hearing about my life on the blog? Like my FB page, I’m always posting on that guy. 

It dawned on me that while I’ve announced this on my personal FB page I haven’t said a word about it on my blog.

Baby will be here in May. We are waiting to find out if it’s a boy or girl (but we think it’s a boy) and we really couldn’t be more excited.

So here’s the first Wordy Wedneday (See Emily, I’m not TOTALLY copying you….)

*My friend Ashley makes THESE amazing custom fabric flowers pictured above.  There will be a bunch on my mantel in the near future. I LOVE them.

*Lou’s word of the week is ACTUALLY.  ”Actually mom, Tacos are gross.” “Actually, I don’t want to go to bed.” “Actually, it’s time to eat cookies.” “Actually Mom, I love you a whole lot.” So funny coming from such a small person.

*Kerry has introduced me to online shopping.  It might put our accounts in the negative. Getting packages in the mail has become my favorite thing ever so if you’d like to send me a package, go right ahead, it might enable us to eat for the next month.

*I got THIS for … I don’t remember the occasion, because Kerry said I could. This nail polish is amazing, it stays on and doesn’t chip for WEEKS.  I realize that it’s ridiculous that having painted nails makes me feel better about myself and life. But it does so… eh, whatever.

*Lou fell asleep at 7 last night, MIRACLE!  And Kerry had a basketball game so I got to actually (yes, I realize why it’s her word of the week) watch an entire movie all by my lonesome. It was phenomenal. Glad I chose to watch THIS movie. Do it!

*THIS is becoming my favorite board on pinterest. If you have something that fits in there nicely, tag me!

*I start art classes this week with Jenny Vorwaller. I literally can not be more excited for this.

*Lusi has pink eye and a horrific cough so we are secluded and on lockdown.

I’m kind of going stir crazy. 

When we moved to Seattle I was struggling with my work as a photographer. I had a very love hate relationship with it and often found myself cursing it while at the same time vowing to never give it up. I was lost in what I was doing and I was not ok with being lost. I hated most things that came back from the lab, was jealous and resentful to peers beautiful images and success I witnessed online, and fought with my camera and surroundings instead of embracing them. I forced myself to take on jobs I didn’t necessarily want to take on because of need of money, need of marketing and exposing of my business, and my need to make myself do things that were hard because it would thought it would force me to grow, (as a lot of hard things often do.)

And then we moved.

And we got a job.

And I didn’t HAVE to pick up photography jobs anymore.

And I started asking myself if I even wanted to be a photographer.

And… it was awesome.

I put down my camera for nearly 2 months and just let it sit, let it be, and let myself wonder into other artistic trains of thought without a care in the world of what anyone else thought. What I discovered in those few months was enlightening and powerful.

I discovered that I am not my camera.

I do not care to be a world famous photographer.

I am one awesome mother and I don’t have to blog about it and FB about it to feel that its so.

I do not breathe, live, and die by photography… and that doesn’t make me any less of a photographer or person.

I discovered I want to say more on my blog.

I discovered I don’t want to run a business.

and I discovered that I can choose to say “no” and choose to embrace things I want to do, (not what I think I should want to do, or things people are telling me I should do.)

And you know… I  I fell in love with photography again. I picked up my camera and now photograph because I want to, and that’s it. Not because I can’t wait to blog it, I want to see how many likes it will get on FB, and what famous photography blog will feature it. Do I still enjoy sharing my work with you? Of course, but my care of whether you like it or not, whether you even care to see it, has vanished.

The feeling is completely and utterly freeing.

Doing the hardest thing is often the best thing for us and sometimes it’s just hard and we should scrap it and just do what we want to do. 

Our potty training wasn’t so much “training” as it was holding off forever because either A: I was too lazy, B: Lusi was too stubborn, or C: the move and life was too crazy for either of us to add anything else too… pick one.. their all correct.

But then one morning she grew up. She walked into my bedroom in the morning and was different, older, and not a toddler anymore. I asked again, like I did most mornings, in the most excited voice I could muster “Do you want to wear panties today?”  And instead of the typical “No thank you” reply I got a big grin and “Yes, I think so!.” And that was it. Aside from a few accidents she has been a champ and the process and been pleasant and fun for the both of us. See you later diapers!

Is it silly that I kind of miss them though?