When we moved to Seattle I was struggling with my work as a photographer. I had a very love hate relationship with it and often found myself cursing it while at the same time vowing to never give it up. I was lost in what I was doing and I was not ok with being lost. I hated most things that came back from the lab, was jealous and resentful to peers beautiful images and success I witnessed online, and fought with my camera and surroundings instead of embracing them. I forced myself to take on jobs I didn’t necessarily want to take on because of need of money, need of marketing and exposing of my business, and my need to make myself do things that were hard because it would thought it would force me to grow, (as a lot of hard things often do.)
And then we moved.
And we got a job.
And I didn’t HAVE to pick up photography jobs anymore.
And I started asking myself if I even wanted to be a photographer.
And… it was awesome.
I put down my camera for nearly 2 months and just let it sit, let it be, and let myself wonder into other artistic trains of thought without a care in the world of what anyone else thought. What I discovered in those few months was enlightening and powerful.
I discovered that I am not my camera.
I do not care to be a world famous photographer.
I am one awesome mother and I don’t have to blog about it and FB about it to feel that its so.
I do not breathe, live, and die by photography… and that doesn’t make me any less of a photographer or person.
I discovered I want to say more on my blog.
I discovered I don’t want to run a business.
and I discovered that I can choose to say “no” and choose to embrace things I want to do, (not what I think I should want to do, or things people are telling me I should do.)
And you know… I I fell in love with photography again. I picked up my camera and now photograph because I want to, and that’s it. Not because I can’t wait to blog it, I want to see how many likes it will get on FB, and what famous photography blog will feature it. Do I still enjoy sharing my work with you? Of course, but my care of whether you like it or not, whether you even care to see it, has vanished.
The feeling is completely and utterly freeing.
Doing the hardest thing is often the best thing for us and sometimes it’s just hard and we should scrap it and just do what we want to do.
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